1. I’m not a morning person,
I’m a morning monster.
2. I told my wife she was getting too much sun,
she said I was just being shady.
3. I tried to make a belt out of watches,
but it was a waist of time.
4. I’m not short,
I’m just concentrated awesome.
5. I’m not arguing,
I’m just winning the debate.
6. Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
7. I’m not procrastinating,
I’m just prioritizing my laziness.
8. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
9. I used to play piano by ear,
but now I use my hands.
10. I’m not arguing,
I’m just passionately expressing my opinion.”