1. I’m not saying you’re dumb, but if there was a zombie apocalypse, you’d be safe.
2. You’re so old, you remember when emojis were called “hieroglyphics.”
3. I’m not saying you’re unattractive, but your family tree must be a cactus because everyone in it is a prick.
4. You’re the human equivalent of a participation trophy.
5. I’m not saying you’re lazy, but if there was a competition for procrastination, you’d probably finish second. Or maybe third. Whenever.
6. You have the face for radio and the voice for silent films.
7. You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.
8. I’m not saying you’re ugly, but your selfies come with a warning sign.
9. You’re like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life, but only if I want to learn something useless.
10. You’re not the brightest crayon in the box, but you sure are a colorful character.